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ADHD and Me

 
 
Today I found out I am going to receive medication for my ADHD (attention differences). Tonight I feel a huge relief that at the age of 38. I finally feel heard..
 
For my whole life that I remember I have felt uncomfortable in my body.. My mind is constantly turned up full volume. I cannot relax. I am always looking for something to ignite me. As a young child I remember being explosive. As a teen I was worse. I felt angry and dangerous a lot of the time. I would follow danger and I was incredibly naïve. 
 
I did not know why I felt such physical discomfort from my emotions. I used to chase sexual experiences, drink to excess, always want to do everything to its most extreme. I also didn't really feel connected to people. I felt secretive. Silent inside. 
 
Never depressed like some of my peers spoke about. More empty inside. Just like often a whirring engine that kept going and going. 
 
ADHD for me brings me so much joy and so much pain.
 
I would not change who I am for the world.. but I do feel a sadness today for all those choices I have made that have put me emotionally and often physically at risk from the world around me.
 
I developed coping mechanisms. They were also very high risk. Self medicating. Harming myself with making myself sick. 
 
At points I thought I had a mental health need. I have been supported by GPs for this a number of times, but it never felt right. The empty whirring never went away. 
 
At times I feel super human. I feel invincible.. I run to relax. I struggle to be near others who don't share my energy, then also struggle to be near those who do. 
 
I am writing this really as I think of my children and those we support. Children who are told they are not bad enough.. children who can't get help till they are in complete crisis. 
 
I feel like there is a growing trend in professionals, families and schools to doubt the diagnosis of others who are Autistic or have attention differences. Especially if the family have had to pay for a private diagnosis to avoid the huge delays. It is a luxury to be able to do this, but believe me, I would not have spent thousands to understand myself better if it was not an absolute necessity for me to manage my daily life. 
 
There seems to be a desire to make these things mental health. Almost like if you do then we can be treated and just get over it. See if I have anxiety due to my mental health or a life event it might go away, but being Autistic never will and having ADHD most often is long term.
 
So often I have been told I was mad or sad.. I am neither. It has actually made me mad at points so desperately trying to explain to people the way I feel and them just not understanding. 
 
I am 38. I am me and I am OKAY. If someone shares their truth with you. Believe them. Show interest. Learn. Open your mind and listen to what they say. 
 
 
 

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