What does it look like to win?

So, I have had lots of thinking time recently (haven’t we all!!!). This is going to be a long post about my life and what winning looked like for me. .

My journey starts with some sad information. I have had a number of abusive relationships. They have been with men who seemed to take pleasure in hurting me, and later in life having a partner who hurt me in front of my kids, in turn harming them too.

When my twins were born the violence started in front of my 4 kids. I looked for help. I went to counselling and so did my ex. We moved to a new house, twice. I tried to change myself to make myself more likeable and to not rock the boat, but it didn’t work and then in March 2016 there was one last attack that led to me finally calling the police.

The thing is, in most stories you would imagine that this is the moment I write, “And finally I was free…. “

Well, it’s not that simple and that is where my story of domestic abuse and yours of being a SEND parent collide.

From 2016 to current day I have spent so much of my life fighting for my own and my kid’s freedom and I see it mirrored in each of your stories.

I attended court over 10 times without legal support. Every court hearing, I was cross examined by my ex-husband. I was shouted at by the judges I saw. I was demanded to give every small part of my life to this system.

During that time, other factors impacted my life outside of court. I was scared to be out in my new community in case I saw my ex as it sent me into a panic attack. I was having police arrive at my home, as he had called them and made a number of false complaints about me. Each time I received an apology from the officers, but it was scary for me and the kids.

Court; I drank heavily after each hearing. I was in complete shock. I would cry and shake. Before the hearings I would have to have a private room and I would sway side to side just to control my fear.

After each hearing I would come home, and I would have to slot back into my family. 4 young children.

My ex was sent on a perpetrator programme for a year and did not see his kids for over 2yrs, and I had to keep pushing forward as a lone parent.

The reports came through from the DV programme half was through and they said things about me and my life. They exposed the abuse and it was so hard reading it in black and white.

I pushed on, exhausted, an empty shell of myself. I kept questioning wrong doings though and I kept telling my truth. I knew I had to be heard…

Here is the important part… I am not special. I am a mum and I love my kids. I knew what I had to do, just the same as you do for your child.

I put on 4 stone. I started medication to control my anxiety. My mind was so consumed with my huge task of ensuring safety and freedom, that everything else took a back seat. I had a partner at this time, but it was put on a back burner. I was so consumed; nothing was important to me but this overpowering need for safety.

This history of mine is why I know how you feel. It is why I listen, and I do admin and I support, but it is also why I ultimately know that this is YOUR time to shine.

You are the key person who has to push on. You are the one who has to be exhausted. You have to feel scared and sad and angry. It is not fair, but in your fight to win, you will be pushed to feel those things because your childs safety and rights mean so much to you.

You are right to want to fight. You need to fight.

I want you to know that I made it through and so will you. My life is still hard work. My kids are still impacted by our history. I am still a victim, I am a survivor and I am a warrior as I did win.

Last week I sat on a panel to allocate funding for DV charities. I spoke to the Police commissioner and she had also experienced Domestic abuse (it was publicised in the media so this is not an overshare of her privacy). She said that my story was one of true restorative justice. I had forgiven my abuser and moved on.

She is right. I forgave him because I won. I had been believed and my kids were safer. I was so tired of being scared. I wanted to release myself from anger and fear to have a positive future, but I could ONLY do that because it was the right time and he had followed the rules and done what he had to do to prove he was no longer a risk to me or the children.

If I forgave or gave in too early, I would not have achieved what I had to. It was not an option; it was my only choice to keep going, just like it is your only choice too.

I want you to know you will be less tired one day. You will be able to feel less anger and pain from your experience, but that can only come when you have won too.

Winning is not permanent. Life is a journey. My kids have contact with their dad and I know I will always have to be mindful of the past, and I may need the skills I learnt in that time again, but for now things are calmer.

Once you have achieved safety and support for your child through an EHCP or a safe setting, it won’t mean that its job done for good, but it does mean you have moved forward in your journey.

This is your job as a parent, and you will find the strength. I am just sending you all my love and respect whilst you push forward. xx